Miscarriage Taboo

Remember how I mentioned in one of my first posts that I fully intend to cover the full spectrum of subjects? I meant it! As it turns out, life has dark times, rough patches, and flat out shitty days. So in an effort to be real and not sugar-coat life, I’m hoping to cover some of those times.

March 7th, 2017. That’s the day that I realized I was having a miscarriage. I had known that my husband and I were expecting our first child for less than 10 days and was miscarrying. Here’s the thing though, this awful, heart-wrenching life event is EXTREMELY common. Like 1 in 4, folks! I was shocked to find this out, but even more appalled by the fact that NO ONE talks about it! I have some theories on the secrecy that surrounds something so common. Below I have shared my two theories for the taboo that is miscarriage.

Theory 1:

First, is that women feel embarrassed. It feels like you failed at what your body is so naturally supposed to be able to do. Like you’re broken, damaged goods. Let’s address this! You (and all women) serve far more of a purpose on this Earth than just being an incubator for babies. Is this ability absolutely freaking amazing… yes! Does this alone measure our worth… Hell NO!! The fact that the human body can grow another human is astonishing and mind blowing. However, your uterus and your desire or ability to complete this task is NOT what makes you a woman!

Theory 2:

It’s messy, bloody, gross, and has to do with a Who-Ha (Full transparency, I can’t bring myself to type vagina… Well, what do you know… I can!) It feels embarrassing to tell someone that you are going through a miscarriage because you personally know how much is going on, you know, down there. You are cramping and bleeding (sometimes A LOT) for days, or weeks, maybe even months! And since that’s what you’re going through, you imagine that everyone must know and instantly think of that horror… They’re not! Even after my own miscarriage I have talked with women and close friends going through the same. My mind never goes to the “yucky” parts, it always goes to a place of care and concern. Give people credit, that’s where their mind goes as well!

So Now What?

The thing is, I don’t think anyone is intentionally ignoring miscarriage. And if they are, I genuinely believe it is out of a place of embarrassment, not disgust. In all honesty, I think women who are having (or have) miscarried just don’t know how to start the conversation (even though they may want to). Then, because it’s rarely brought up, when a woman does feel the need (and trust me, for me it was a NEED to be heard) others don’t know how to respond.

So how do we fix this? My suggestion… SHARE! Talk about it! If you’re having (or have had) a miscarriage, be brave and share your story. Be brave and know that others genuinely care about the miscarriage process, mourning and grieving. Be brave and start the conversations. The more people who are brave enough to share, the less taboo this will become. If you know someone who is miscarrying, be brave and ask! Ask how they feel, both physically and emotionally. Be brave and start the conversation, don’t shy away from something that is so normal in our world. If the person you’re reaching out to doesn’t want to share, they won’t, but be brave and give them the option. Trust me, you’re not reminding them of their miscarriage by bringing it up, they haven’t forgotten!

PSA: Are you going through a miscarriage now? Have you gone through one in the past and you’re needing to talk it out? If you need to let it out, talk, share, seek common ground with someone who has experienced what you are, shoot me an email or leave me a comment and I would love to face it with you!

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5 Comments on “Miscarriage Taboo

  1. As a mother who’s lost a baby (widow for a wife what is it for a mom?) I fully understand, people jump over the subject. (Not my family ty) it’s nice to know someone remembers and idk want a to talk about it who cares if I cry (cuz I am). Eh you know. Here’s the hardest questions from strangers… how many kids do you have? I always answer with how they word it but if I don’t say 3 then I feel bad but does a complete stranger need to know where my 3rd might be? No. So idk

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    • A warrior. A mom who’s lost a baby is called a warrior!!

      The “how many kids do you have” question is especially difficult in your situation. I can’t even imagine, because I even struggle when people ask about pregnancy because I feel like I should talk about both, but again, a stranger doesn’t need to know all that. That’s why I think it’s important to openly talk about it with others, who we do know, and who have experienced the same. At least that way, in my mind, we are still honoring their memories without having to awkwardly tell strangers.

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  2. I don’t normally mention my miscarriage. I did feel for the longest time that I did something wrong. Trying to figure out why everyone else could have babies and my body didn’t want to was sooo hard. It made me feel like I couldn’t celebrate my other pregnancies until after we were out of the “danger zone”. My mom didn’t even know until after I was 14 weeks with both my kids.

    What I have come to realize after many years and lots of reflection is talking about it is the best way to deal. That every pregnancy should be celebrated, even if it ends before you get to see a beautiful baby. It has made me stronger and made me hug my babies a just a little tighter every chance I get!

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  3. It took me a over a year to say anything about mine. I felt that because I was so early on about 9 or 10 weeks and no picture of that growing human that I would be judged or told it wasn’t true. I was heart broken and bawled myself to sleep for months off and on and even more when I had friends and family pregnant and due at the same time. Every day I wonder what and who that little almost 3 year old would be. I’ll always remember but its definitely not easy. Cherish life every day that is given

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    • Sara, thank you for sharing now. It is such a tricky thing to feel like because it was early that it wouldn’t be important or taken seriously. Especially when it was so real and important for you. I felt exactly the same way. People always asked too, “how far were you.” I’ve been really careful with my own words now when people open up to me about it because honestly, it doesn’t matter how far along, if it was real for you that’s all that matters! I will, like you, forever wonder who that little one would have been. My little angel baby would have been 1 in November.

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